*KABOOM*

I received the biggest bomb today. I went to say good bye to Lars. He's visiting his sister over Christmas and New Years Eve with his family, and then they're going to Austria to go skiing. As soon as they get back, he's moving to Ireland the next day.

I didn't say things would be easy. I knew I'd feel some kind of sorrow. But I didn't expect anything like this. He was just like himself - kind and also a bit weird. We were talking about just anything, about his move, his future and bunch of other things that had no meaning.

Since he was cleaning his room, it was weird just being there. It was so clean. Nothing on floor. Nothing in his cupboard. His closet was almost empty. And there was his desk. Empty. Excpet that little box and the bag under it. "That's for you. But don't open it now."

I was overwhelmed. He was the leaving and he was giving me a present. I could feel how this goodbye was not going to end well. He was sitting on the bed infront me and I was on the chair. I went ahead to give him the hug he deserves for the gift.

Warm. Strong. And long. Wow. Sounds like I'm describing something else. But no, that was the hug we gave eachother. That's when he decides to give me a kiss. On the lips. He mumbling, as usual. About the past. Saying sorry for the past.

I'm not even sure I'm making any sense at all. I just have a memory of that last hour spent with him. That kiss. He wanted me back. And it all came as bomb now that he's leaving. The gift wasn't any better. A cute little teddy... and a poem. A love poem that he had written.

I just want to get out of here. Get out the house. Because the worst part is that I love him. But I'm not in love with him. I'm just wondering how much it would have, not only hurt me but, hurt him if he actually had stayed. So call me crazy, but I'm happy he's gone. Although I'll miss him so...