new beginning!

NEW BLOG! - BIJATA! - ENJOY!

a hard day's night

I'm wearing my new Beatles t-shirt I bought a few days ago (love the second-hand store Emmaus for that), I think I've nearly got my future sort of figured out (thanks to my sis who actually seems to KNOW me) and I'm spending time with my family (although my mom decided to be a bitch today). Having a good day? I AM! XD

Soon is Christmas and the thing I'm mostly looking forward to is GLÖGG! I haven't forgotten yesterday though, it's still in my thought but I'm trying hard to forget it. Trying to regain my power to force it away. All I've been really thinking about is how the situation's going to look like when he comes back on his graduation... It's while until then, I'll deal with it when the time comes!

Oh, by the way. I'm kind of thinking of getting a tongue piercing but I'm very very sceptic. I want a tattoo. No question about that. But I'm not sure if tongue piercing is my thing. I still want it at the same time. And I've thought of this for a while. Ah, confusing. Would I fit in it?

*KABOOM*

I received the biggest bomb today. I went to say good bye to Lars. He's visiting his sister over Christmas and New Years Eve with his family, and then they're going to Austria to go skiing. As soon as they get back, he's moving to Ireland the next day.

I didn't say things would be easy. I knew I'd feel some kind of sorrow. But I didn't expect anything like this. He was just like himself - kind and also a bit weird. We were talking about just anything, about his move, his future and bunch of other things that had no meaning.

Since he was cleaning his room, it was weird just being there. It was so clean. Nothing on floor. Nothing in his cupboard. His closet was almost empty. And there was his desk. Empty. Excpet that little box and the bag under it. "That's for you. But don't open it now."

I was overwhelmed. He was the leaving and he was giving me a present. I could feel how this goodbye was not going to end well. He was sitting on the bed infront me and I was on the chair. I went ahead to give him the hug he deserves for the gift.

Warm. Strong. And long. Wow. Sounds like I'm describing something else. But no, that was the hug we gave eachother. That's when he decides to give me a kiss. On the lips. He mumbling, as usual. About the past. Saying sorry for the past.

I'm not even sure I'm making any sense at all. I just have a memory of that last hour spent with him. That kiss. He wanted me back. And it all came as bomb now that he's leaving. The gift wasn't any better. A cute little teddy... and a poem. A love poem that he had written.

I just want to get out of here. Get out the house. Because the worst part is that I love him. But I'm not in love with him. I'm just wondering how much it would have, not only hurt me but, hurt him if he actually had stayed. So call me crazy, but I'm happy he's gone. Although I'll miss him so...

behind blue eyes

Today I managed to get through a torturous hour (or more) with the company of a guy I spent a whole night with last Friday. Should I say more? I wasn't in the mood of meeting him in the first place but I'm an expert on making things unawkward with people that are as goofy as me.. so I'm guessing we'll be fine friends in the future. He's a cool guy, nothing for me though. Although ... those beautiful blue eyes are kind of hard to resist.

It only got awkward when his old classmates bumped into him at a café. He noticed how I got shy and tried to include me in the conversation. I got away from the whole (whole!) thing when Gabby called me. We acted as if I had forgotten that we had planned that we were hanging out her place today. Such a fool, he believed in it.

I'm so tired. My eyes are itchy. I think that's why I can't stand every single person today. Even the Friday-night guy from this afternoon's christmas shopping. XD Good nighty!

wishing drunken thoughts!

If I were way drunk right now and way TOO honest I would log onto my facebook and write: Bea should be concentrating on her future plans instead of thinking about her crush. But no no. I've only had one beer and that was because I was thirsty. Loke was adorably funny, my face is still aching from all the laughing and smiling! Tomorrow I have to get myself to school to get the textile I made for my sister's christmas present. And then hurry back to Gothenburg to meet a so called friend (notice that I wrote 'so called') that wants my company whiles christmas shopping.

hoping for pigless dreams

I'm all of a sudden in the mood of writing in Swedish. Which, I can promise you, never happens. I just think everything sounds so much better in english, it just flows better. I even think that books and essays sound phony. Just reading the newspaper makes me laugh! But since I'm in that 'mood' today, I'm probably going to stumble on to some path where my english will go crazy. Good luck to me!

Hectic day! I became very popular, had a lot people that texted me for some reason and wanted to meet up. I didn't have the time see them all, but I tried my best. I was at IHGR again (surprise surprise, I'm there so often) but this time I was there cause Matt, Mahsa and Nils were there visiting. Matt lives in the US and Mahsa and Nils (the engaged couple) live in Australia! It's been about 1 or 2 years since I last saw them. There visiting here for a while, so I'm hoping to see them again!

Then I met a friend that also dated my ex boyfriend but before me. It's funny how we've got so much in common, we're very alike both personality wise and looks. And every time we meet, we always end up talking about boys and Thailand. It's natural. She'd recently been there, so she told me everything about it and it was nostalgic hearing it all. I just really feel like going there, it's like my second home. And I would definitely deserve being there. It' been 2 years since last time...


Last but not least. The crush. My friend, Maria, got to meet him for a second or so before she left and me and him left together. And it was great. I was so nervous before, I was shaking so much I could barely talk cause my mouth was shaking too. Aah, it was crazy. But I seemed to have calmed down as soon as we met and sat down at a café.

We sat there talking for about more than 2 hours, about everything and nothing. It never felt awkward or like one of us were talking way more the other. It felt natural in its own way. But. Yea, here it comes. The But. Could there be more? We took the bus home together cause that's what we do (haha) and I hoping for a more intimate time since we'd be sitting closer to eachother. But somehow when I'm around him I don't think 'intimate'. I don't think 'FLIRT!'. I don't think at all, I just end up being myself. Which is the main reason why I like him.

But that's where it's all so problematic. I will never be able to let him know what's going on in my mind. And I don't want to take that risk asking him what he thinks because that could ruin our friendship if his thoughts are negative. I rather be friends with him than nothing or even worse, have the most awkward friendship ever. Where does this lead?

Hey, I'm a girl. This is what we do. Overanalyse. Think too much!

I'm home alone and I don't think our TV works. I have basically nothing to do but to start thinking of christmas presents! It's a week left...

...love stories...

I've been in a bad mood, hence the last post. But then I was reminded to visit one of my favourite blogs.. I don't go there everyday but when I do, it makes me happy. In one of her posts, she describes thats she recently got sick and thats she wants her beloved fans to write love or horse stories or even last weeks flirt to make her happy. I read through the 76 ADORABLE stories written to her! Read them yourself, I appoligies if you dont understand swedish.. But otherwise enjoy her pictures! Milk - Signe Siemsen

Since I'm in that lovey dovey mood after reading through those BEAutiful stories, I kinda felt like telling you my own crush of mine. The picture above is not him. That's me and my ex boyfriend a year ago. We are really good friends now and he's an adorable guy. But what kills me the most is that I found out a week ago that he's moving to Westport, Ireland on Saturday. Makes me really sad, cause I really will miss him.. He's stood so close to my heart.

I wont mention any names, but the people that know me will understand. I met a guy at a club a few months ago, he came up to me saying my name to me. I didn't know who he was, but it all made clear when he screamed out his name with the most exquiset smile. He grabbed me by my waist with his skinny but oh so strong arms. It felt like we stood there for at least 10 minutes hugging eachother!

Long story short, we're meeting eachother tomorrow. We've met more times before and I've had feelings for him on and off. It's hard to explain our relationship because all we are is friends, but sometimes I wish there was more. I wish there was more because he's perfect in his own wow way. I'll let you know more tomorrow.

For those who actually know me personally, know that I get easily crushes. My response to that is: "AJ AJ captain, I admit." But my crushes usually don't last longer than after the second date. I am so picky every time. There's always something that bugs me about the boy. But there's something about this guy...

To be continued?

"Too cool for school...",

My sister invited to watch Loke on thursday. Something to look forward to, not that I've ever seen him before or I don't even know what to expect. But I know my sister and she never dissapoints me with music or humour! XD

School all day today, which was torture. From 8am to 4.30pm. I arrived to school at 7.20am and nearly fell alseep on the soffas in the hallway. But then I got the weirdest stomache ache. I would have returned home if it wasnt for that weaving lab I was about to have. I had already missed one lab because I had overslept. I even remember how I cried for hours in my bed because of that, I not only felt like I had dissapointed my lab partner (who's the worlds coolest gay 25 year old!) but it also felt like I dissapointed myself even more.

I couldn't get myself to skip this last school day of the year. I have already skipped so much this year, failed two exams, missed one exam and lied to my dad (you could basically say, my best friend) about half of the things. Yes, I admit: I don't really like going to school. Feels like I'm still in high school but with the most boring people ever. At least there were fun people at IHGR. Gabs, Jennika, Felix, Angie, Rebecka, Mari, Evelina. Even teachers.

Dad knows everything now. After I had a breakdown, cried for hours. But now it's up to me to figure out what to do instead. This isn't really the greatest time to go and get a job instead.

"What will be done, time will show and you will come to know," I will take Mr Mukherjee's advice.

I still think of you at 6 am

I had been up until 6 last night, exchanging comments with a good friend of mine that now lives in Ireland. That's how our relationship is nowadays, we comment on eachothers photos - say stupid things and make everything into a big deal until we realized how silly we sound. We were so tired last night, or at least I was, so everything we wrote was hilarious! I even agreed on starting a blog.. Or I mean, continuing this blog.

But it was nice. She's adorable in her own way and she always tends bring out a side of me that I love. The goofy side that I only seem to show around people I feel comfortable around. She went in my class for 2 years and it's funny how I never got to know her until 3rd year of high school where we would just sit and talk talk talk during art class. More like gossip then talk.

Now she's in Ireland and has left me alone in this cold Gothenburg. Just kidding, hun. You haven't left me alone. But there are times like today or maybe more like yesterday where I have news that you would go 'Aah' when you hear them. Crazy.

I had a hard to deciding if I should write in English or Swedish, but English it is. I have Swedish around me the whole (f-ing) time and I long for more english in most of my dreams! Good luck to me with the new me blog. We'll have to see what I write in it. Cause apparently I'm not allowed to write about fashion.. Whereas fashion is basically one of my biggest hobbies. See how that goes! XD